the temperature dropped to the low 80s this weekend so it is beginning to feel a little (relatively speaking) like autumn finally. i spent a little bit of cash buying flours and other baking necessities that will enable me to make jason some gluten-free foods. something to supplement all the curry we've been having around here. mainly, though, it is an excuse to use our now working oven.

we've been really feeling homesick for japan lately, especially since it is autumn there and still clear and mild here. i stumbled across this blog written by an expat in Tokyo that really made me nostaligic. so, obviously, what i needed was some natto and daikon to cheer me up. the kinako pocky didn't hurt. the smell barely resembled true kinako but it was enough for me. i find most of my japanese food at this place in mandarin called the mandarin supermarket. there is this young korean guy who works there and is always watching movies that have at least three different sets of subtitles at the bottom of the screen. it was the first time i took sebastian to an asian food store and as soon as we entered he started asking for the green milk. at first i had no clue as to what he was referring to but then i remembered this maccha flavored soy milk we always got him from the paket. sometimes i worry that sebastian is forgetting japan but then i realize he has this dual-identity that will always be with him. his japanese language skills are still there but he only uses them with people that look japanese to him, who usually aren't. there were some southeast asian girls at the park the other day and sebastian ran up to them and started talking about mushi and really only spoke japanese the entire time, much to the bewilderment of the girls.

for myself, i have been feeling a bit lost lately. perhaps it is the reverse culture shock, the pregnancy, the temporary poverty, or a combination of everything. as i was reading the archives of that blog i mentioned, i realized i had gone through all the same feelings and some of the same experiences as she has. what makes me sad is that we had gone through all of the trials of living in japan but realized right before i got pregnant how much we really loved japan. i had started to sincerely study japanese, carrying my kanji flashcards everywhere and taking the supplementary tests to the minna no nihongo text. we knew we would have to return to america eventually as jason still needed his degree and i really wanted to get my master's in comparative lit at some point. so getting pregnant just pushed us out of japan so we could develop ourselves to the point where we would be able to return and live more successfully than before. and we saw the pragmatics in the return but that doesn't mean we haven't felt a great loss in our lives by leaving. i really loved my students and i loved living in japan. i had begun to enjoy my morning commute and i loved being able to take a walk at night to Todaiji and look at the stars over the mountain and hear the bells being struck for the last time of the day. i am heart broken to be so far away from kyoto. spending more than a 100 en on tofu makes me cringe. and ironically, jason was so much more healthier in japan than here since there were so many more options for a gluten-free person to eat there. but these sentimental tidings are not free from memories of being sad that we couldn't do more, that we were limited in income and language. as parents of a small genki child, we didn't have the same opportunities as our friends who were without small companions. i have never been to an onsen or spent the night singing in a small room with friends. i never went to enkais and only hanami-ed with my family. we never saw all the places that we meant to, like koya-san, or shikoku or even biwa-ko. but we did have a very full experience. and i am reading donald keene's biography right now and am just in frank admiration of the guy for being so much in love with a country that he studied the language for over four years before actually setting foot on honshu (right after the war ended) and was only able to do that because of a slight lie he told the military which enabled him to stay in japan for a few weeks before leaving the country for eight years. and the first of his days during that period were spent notifying the families of prisoners who had become his friends that their sons/grandsons/husbands were alive. so, i won't complain anymore about my short stay in japan because it was really just a beginnning. i have decided that i will be pursuing my master's in comparative lit though i won't be applying for the program this year. after ingrid is born, if all goes well, i will be seeking full time employment so jason can get his a.a. degree. the plan is that he goes full time starting this spring and should be finished with his a.a. by may of 2008 so he can start work on his major the following fall term. since most of his classes at this level can be taken online, he will be able to stay at home with ingrid like he did with sebastian. if i can find a job with a decent salary, then sebastian will probably start montessori preschool sometime in the near future. he is really keen on going to school and as much as i like the idea of homeschooling i also have to listen to my children to do what is right for them, not just for me. anyway, so that is what is going on here. i have to go clean the kitchen so i can finish the keene book today and work some more on ingrid's blanket. sebastian has also started watching this dvd series called "bonjour les amis!" that we checked out from the library yesterday. it is "french made easy for children ages 4-9". we'll see how that goes. i would like for him to learn both a second and third language together as it helps retention levels. for myself, i am cracking open those kanji cards and dusting off the textbooks. i plan to take an intensive japanese course this summer so i can take the jplt next december. so much to do, if only there were more hours in the day. at least i can study while i am lounging around upside down since ingrid is still sitting pretty with her head under my ribs. okay, hope all is well with you and yours. take care.